Fear ...
Mood:  not sure
Topic: July 2005
Ok, I'll admit it... I'm scared. The long weekend is over, what a great weekend! Perfect summer weekend. BBQ's, swimming, fireworks, and just plain ol' hanging out. I even read a book! [Of course it was about sewing, Edith Head's biography "The Dress Doctor"]. A good book, nice and gossipy too!

As I was watching fireworks last nite, and my long summer weekend was coming to a close, I admitted I'm scared. It really DOES take courage to go into this thing. That must be where Lance Armstrong gets his stamina and energy and why he is a consistant winner! He already faced the worse! It would be so much easier to just not go to the oncologist today, not do the chemo and follow-up. Afterall, I feel good.

Oh well, my appt is at 3:45 today, let's see what happens!

Say What....
Mood:  silly
Topic: July 2005
Isn't it interesting how a certain phrase or word can mean different things to different people or be interpreted differently.

I was looking over the paperwork I picked up Friday from Doc Surgeon's office (you know, the "breast expert"). And on several of the reports it describes me as "well nourished" and "middle aged". Well nourished??? The first word that came to my mind was "fat" = "well nourished"; and Middled Aged = OLD. Yikes!. what's up with that?... I'm only 45, that's NOT middled aged. Only a few years ago, I was described as "young", when did I turn "middle age". Oprah say that 50 is the new 40. So, 45 is still "young" NOT "middled aged". And "well nourished". I don't know, but I certainly had less of a reaction from the word "cancer" then I did with the words "middle aged" and "well nourished". Besides, I took one of those on-line quizes a while ago and it said I was gonna live to 97, so I'm Not middled aged!

Earlier today, I was reading an article re breast cancer and it said that I should have my doctor write a prescription for a "cranial prostesis". Ah, er... isn't that a wig? But apparently, if I want insurance to help pick up the tab, it is better to use the wording "cranial prostesis". Now, that's an interesting word!

Finally, [yea, it's almost over]. Tonite at dinner with my sister and her family, we were all sitting, relaxing, drinking our chianti, eating our bread, waiting for our meal to arrive, when my 10 year old nephew asked, very seriously, "so Aunt Sue, how's your cancer?" Well, it was one of those moments where if we could have added sound effects, I would have added a record scratching [eeeeeeeeeeeeeek] and the entire table came to a screeching halt. Most of us started laughing, and my poor nephew, was embarrassed and wondered what he said wrong. Afterall, he was just being concerned. We quickly recovered the situation and I responded, "I'm doing well, thanks for asking". Come to think of it, I bet there were other people at the table wondering the same thing - just not sure how to ask. It's kind of a tricky topic. People don't know how to ask, or what to say, or if they should say anything. Heck, come to think of it, there was nothing wrong with what my nephew asked; it just caught us all off guard. It was so innocent and genuine.

How's my cancer? I really don't know, some times I think of it as tiny little slimmy men lurking inside me looking for a place to hide, a place to set up house, trying to dodge the helicopters and the immune police. Maybe when the chemo starts I will think of it as slimmy cockroaches, all running for cover yelling "Raid!!!" and poof going up in a cloud of smoke!

Topic: July 2005
Got a 4-day weekend, yipee! Today I will go get my records from my surgeon - I called yesterday to follow-up and they were not "out for dictation", but in the "bottom of a pile", so my file is available. I will also go pick up my biopsy slides from the hospital. So, I'm all ready for my appt on Tuesday. My sister and husband are going to go with me to my appt. They each have a different perspective on this and have questions, so I asked each to come along. Just hope the doc doesnt' think it's odd to have an entourage, but sees it has a support system. Eesh, if he only knew how large that support system is!

Today I think I'll clean the house a bit, I guess I'm feeling that I need to get stuff done, because once the "treatments" start, who knows how I'll feel, and being the neat freak that I am (although not as bad as one of my sisters), I don't want to stress over a dirty house or cobwebs in the corners.

Gotta Date
Mood:  party time!
Topic: June 2005
Got an appt with City of Hope for this next Tuesday. I have collected my films, slides and hospital stuff. My surgeon's office says my file is "out in dictation". I faxed the request for my file 4 days ago. I asked if the transcription could be speeded up Lucy and Ethel and the lady said she had no control over that. Eesh, what's up with that! Well, hopefully I'll have the file for Tuesday, but I have collected a bulk of the information. So, I'm ready to rock 'n' roll on this stuff.

Ah, a 4-day weekend coming up. I get both Friday and Monday off! Ya-hoo! The possibilites are endless!

Friends and Family
Mood:  special
Topic: June 2005
I cannot even put into words how touched I have been these past few weeks by the outpouring of kindness, love, and support I have received from my friends and family. I ("Cold Sue") have teared up on more then one occasion. It means so much to me, to have such support, and it makes this so much easier. Strangers, who I hardly know, friends who I see only occasionally but I know are there for me, and family who is always there - have rallied in my support. I have also received beautiful handmade items. A beautiful handmade quilt to keep me cozy during chemo; dolls, stuffed animals, flowers, prayer cards, jewelry, and most importantly kind words of encouragement. No jokes today, just a HUGE THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!